Thou Art Crunchy
by The Halfblood Raven
Summary: Harry has a late night revelation on how to deal with his dragon. Crack!fic, inspired by Clell65619, slightly non canon compliant.


A/N: I'm not JKR, I don't own anything. This piece is a bit noncanon, but it fits what I wanted to do so eh. I blame Clell for this piece, I've been reading way too much of his Thrilling Tales of the Downright Unusual.

Harry paced back and forth in the Champion's tent, muttering snatches of phrases to himself, trying desperately to not muddle them up. He'd had a brilliant and terrifying idea on how to deal with his dragon the night before the first task, and he had had to sneak down to the Restricted Section in the dead of the night to check it out. He was still going to keep his wand handy in case excrement did hit the rotating oscillator, but Harry was rather confident in his idea.

The crowd started cheering, a good indicator that Krum had managed to get past the Chinese Fireball and it was now Harry's turn with the Horntail. Walking into the enclosure, Harry noticed that the black and bronze dragon was watching him with guarded eyes, slinking around the eggs like a cat that has found itself a nice sunbeam. He pointed his wand to his throat and said "Sonorus." before approaching the beast.

Far up in the crowd, Hermione was screeching. "Why hasn't he summoned the broom yet? This boy is going to die!" Hagrid, sitting next to her hushed her for a moment, "so's I ken listen."

"Listen to what?" Hermione asked, not hearing anything unusual, despite a slight hissing noise. Harry's mouth was moving, and the dragon seemed to be responding.

"Blimey, he's speakin' ta it in Parsel. Can't tell a word o' what he sayin' though." Hagrid responded. Hermione screamed as the dragon breathed a column of flame well over Harry's head.

Just then, a loud crack erupted in the arena, as a house elf appeared next to Harry and began eagerly bouncing up and down. The crowd made several noises of disbelief, but before any could be addressed, the elf was gone, back with four large barrels, and gone again. Harry levitated the four barrels over to the dragon, who rolled the golden egg towards Harry before attacking the first barrel. Harry scooped up the egg and ran out of the enclosure. As it became apparent Harry had attained his goal, the crowd began applauding, but it had confused and skeptical overtones to it.

Professor McGonagall met him at the exit of the arena. "I'm not sure how you managed it, but well done Mr. Potter. Madam Pomfrey will want to check you over before your scores are released. I suggest you head her way."

Harry ducked into the medical tent, but was shoved out again nearly as quickly by Madam Pomfrey saying "There's nothing wrong with you Potter, except overconfidence and medicine can't cure that. Shoo."

Snorting at the matron's words, he jogged back towards the arena to receive his scores. Madam Maxine gave him a 7, Barty Crouch a 9, Dumbledore gave him another 9, from Ludo Bagman came a full 10, and Karkaroff an 8. The crowd roared at the numbers, particularly the Hogwarts section. Harry would find out later that he and Cedric were tied for first place, while Delacour and Krum took second and third respectively.

On the way into Gryffindor Tower after the task, Harry was cornered by virtually the entire House, clamoring to know details.

"How'd you do it Harry?" Lee Jordan shouted.

"Yeah mate, what was in the barrels?" Seamus asked. "Was it Firewhiskey?" Harry snorted and held his hand up for silence. "So I was in bed last night, thinking over my original plan for dealing with the dragon. And I got to thinking, well dragons are reptilian, like snakes. So if I could talk to the Basilisk back in second year, I should be able to talk to the dragon, right? I kept thinking about it and finally snuck down to the Restricted Section to do some research. Don't faint Hermione."

He grinned at the girl, who very maturely stuck her tongue out at him. The rest of the House laughed at the exchange.

"Apparently there's a bit of an accent difference between snakes and dragons but Zophia understood me alright. Anyhow. I asked her for the sparkly egg that wasn't going to hatch, and if she'd just give it to me, but she wasn't keen on that. She wanted a trade for it, so I asked what she was after. First she told me she wanted 100 male virgins, but when I asked her what for, she said 'Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup!' So I asked her where in the world she'd had ketchup before, that's when she breathed flame over me, and then I asked her if ketchup would be a good trade for the egg, one barrel for her and each of the other dragons, and she agreed, so I had Dobby get some from the kitchens. Apparently dragons really, really like ketchup."

"Only you Harry. Only you would be able to trade ketchup for a golden egg." Hermione sighed.

A/N. Why does Karkaroff give him an 8 instead of a four? He recognises the parseltongue and has enough respect based on that to score Harry fairly.


End file.
